The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
