Define "chronic" masturbator.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
