Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
