I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
