idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
