I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
