got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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