come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
