i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
