swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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