life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
