I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
