I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
