Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
