Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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