I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
