my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
