I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
