you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
