remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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