just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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