he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
