2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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