I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
