You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
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I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
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After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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