Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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