I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
