im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
