theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
