so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
