I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
