yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
