my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
