She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
