found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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