I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
