I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
