help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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