I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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