I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
