Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
