I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
