my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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