I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
