It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
