between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
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No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
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She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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