Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
