i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
