Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
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my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
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okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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