alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
