It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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