yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
