i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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