i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
