My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
