I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
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If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
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You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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