TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
