God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
