I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
