She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
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Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
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Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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