whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I need to align my fucking chakras
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
