never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
