We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
