Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
