Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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