I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
