I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
