i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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