I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
