She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
