I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
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I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
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you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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