I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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